but today I feel inspired.
I got inspired by a talk with a friend.
About something that I have, that is soooo very normal to me, that I don't see or feel or realize it at all, but is a problem for others.
She made me see clearly that it is an ability, that I always had it and that it is worthy putting it out there.
It drove my mother crazy .. still does.
I do it in big ways or little ways .. but I always do.
She said it often and repeatedly before .. but today it clicked.
I express myself. ... I always express myself, and I don't even think about it.
Well, I think about it and get mad when I don't do it, which happens too.
But so often I do it and don't recognize it.
Obviously I do it a lot more than I realize and more often than not.
Often I think I do not express myself because I stopped dancing and singing. I haven't written a blog for more than half a year. I can't draw or paint better than a 5 year old.
But I do express myself in myriad ways every day.
It is just sooo very normal too me.
The most obvious: I wear what I like. I wear what feels good that day. I wear what makes me feel good in the situation. I like stripes, dots and colors. I like compfy and practical. I like funky and natural.
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| native creative - dots among dots |
Even if I have to dress according to a dress code, I always look for ways to express myself, like little things: earings, a butterfly in the hair, socks, stockings, a button, a hat.
I don't care about age appropriateness or class or what's "in" or "out", I don't care nor know what I am supposed to wear.
This is what drives my mother crazy. She always asked me: "Is this ok?" When my answer always is: "Do you feel good?" ... Which is obviously the wrong answer, every time! She even once stood in front of me in a group picture so nobody could see my pants, because she thought they weren't appropriate.
I even wear halfgloves and hoods in summer .. if I am cold. I don't care what people think. I don't like to freeze - period.
I express myself in my apartment, the big and the little things. After a friend helped me a lot when I renovated the floor, she was totally excited about putting the furniture in differently and I was curious, so I let her. Turns out, it doesn't work for me. The couch is where it was planned to be, but the sun is now on the other side of the room. So I sit on the floor in the sun all the time, when I have a perfectly good sofa sitting by itself in the shady corner.
I express myself in the color on the walls, the pictures on the walls, the kind of lighting.
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| native creative - wild berry wall with glowing apples |
I express myself by riding the bike to work while my perfectly good car sits in the basement.
I express myself by saying NO when yes would be easier.
I express myself by the words I say but also by the way I listen.
I express myself by the way I look at people and really see them.
I express myself by taking the harder road when it feels right.
I express myself by every decision that I make, conscious or unconscious.
Just a few days ago I made the decision to allow myself to express myself through dance and voice when I was very strongly encouraged to be quiet. When I said my truth as a kid, I was accused of destroying the peace. I never understood the not speaking policy, or the silent treatment after I did something perceived wrong. Believe me, I hear you. I hear all of those silent screams.
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| native creative - self expression |
Yes, there is the poignancy of choosing to come through a background of silence when all I really care about is expressing myself. All I really long to do is expressing myself in all it's myriad ways.
