things I wouldn't mind 2015

before the year starts ...

apart from the things I put on my "what I want 2015" list, there are many things I wouldn't mind:

• being totally fit and healthy
• having to ride my brandnew motorcycle around for no other reason than that I enjoy it
• swimming again with wild dolphins at Sataya or Maledives would do too

dolphins at Sataya

• roaming Dark River and Snow Dancer territorry 
• having to read a new Nalini Singh book every month for a year
• enjoying free coffee for a year at Sbux

best compination ever: Nalini Singh and coffee

• hopping up to Oslo for the Holmenkollen ski jumping and participating in the Norwegian crazy
• instant magicing a bachelor thesis
• full body experiencing another Pentatonix life concert .. or two or three

Pentatonix meet and greet

• finishing that darn granny square "sadness" project
• being forced to create more recycled candles because they sell so well
• being busy doing shamanic travels and soul retrievals 

pamela.abraxxs.com

• experimenting with a self harvesting plot or a small garden plot around here
• waking up one morning not in my human body but shape shifted in a feline predator's furry body ... I would totally freak and panic .. but it would so be worth it ;-)

welcome to my world

before I forget it ...

after I finished the review blog last night, I thought: If I was to create my own world, how would it look like? If I would have the opportunity to create earth right now, how would I do it?

There are really cool things about life on earth, things that make it worth while being here. For one living inside my own creation. Isn't that cool? As I paint the landscape of my life I also simultaneously live inside that landscape. I am the outside the painting "painter" and at the same time inside the painting "explorer". And that exploring and experiencing is not etheric but REAL! That painting is physically manifested and REAL! And changing constantly according to the feedback the explorer gives to the painter. Even the explorer inside the painting is REAL. I have a physically manifested body that lets me experience with all senses.

native creative - diversity

So, obviously I would keep that.

Buuuut .. yeah, you knew that one was coming :-)
But I would open up the limitations drastically. I create my own world as do you, but still our worlds are very similar. I would allow lots of very different worlds to coexist on earth at the same time. Just like we have different plays on every stage that exists on earth right now. They don't have to play the same play either.

What would I play on my stage?
Well, you might think you are in middle earth because I would not have this stereotype human in my world, but lots of different beings like elves, dwarves, angels, humans with wings, shape shifters, ... giants, dragons, fairies, mermaids, ...  blue hair, green skin, webbed feet, whatever, I would do without vampires though :-)

Imagus - elf with dragon

MAGIC yeah, come on and let's PLAY!!!

I would keep the life style: indoor toilet, warm water, heating and pre-hunted food. Also technology: mobile phones, wifi and water fueled cars and flyers, but I'd make it "natural" with less impact on nature. Kind of back to nature and foward into space. And I'd fuse technology with magic and superpowers.

I would allow mental superpowers like telekinesis and telepathy, emotional superpowers like empathy and also spiritual superpowers. I would allow every being to be powerful in whatever way they are. I just love diversity. It would be so much more interesting walking around seeing the surprises coming my way.

And yes, I would allow instant healing and MIRACLES to be a normal occurance. Next to the slow creation earth does I would also allow the way faster energetic manifestation through intent, focus and magic. 

For me, I would just be enjoying myself out there ... running the forests in wolf form, flying the skies in eagle or dragon form, swimming the oceans in dolphin form, walking the roads in human or elf form. I'd be meeting far travelled beings with interesting stories to tell from far far away.

My earth would be a hotspot for space travellers, a hothouse for inspiration and creativity and possibilities, an open and curious place ... with free coffee and cookies for everyone :-)

sam bluebell's coffees

review 2014 - what I want 2015

before I forget it ...

no, more like before I talk myself out of it :-) ...
because this year is different when looking back at the end of the year. Normally, ok, last few years when I looked back, I couldn't see anything, just same old, same old. Oh but this year, the changes are sooo very visible. Just thinking about the place I have been in a year ago and where I am now ... JUST YES!! MORE OF IT!!

So a year ago I was sick and ill, burned out and so very tired. I am not at 100% yet and still a little sick, but I feel good. My body is full of energy, I can move, I can ride the bike and push If I need to. I can go a whole day without taking a nap again! I still sleep a lot, way more than other people, but who cares? I am so very grateful for the changes in my body and health this last year.

Furthermore I am soooo unbelievably grateful for my decision to move back into my own apartment. I left the big city behind .. duh .. best decision ever! Mountains close and visible, woods and a lake around the corner and everything is slower, more relaxed here.

native creative - Untersberg

No more shared bathroom and kitchen either! I can close the door behind me and just be. Two rooms just for me!!! .. and a parking spot that waits for me every time :-)

Due to my health issues I did not work for the better part of this year. I am back working part time since fall and it is so much more loving than the job I worked before. Oh, and I am back at university finishing my aported studies.

I am grateful for all of the above, for the changes I created in my life.

What do I want to create in the coming year?
What do I want more of?

First, I want more time with my friends! They obviously did not move with me and I miss them a lot.

Second, I think it is really time for some kissing and snuggling and holding hands. Oh, and dancing!! Yes I definitely want more of that :-) This area of my life has been barren for quite some time now and I can see some changes and green growth now. I am excited about it .. YES PLEASE - MORE!

Those are the big two. Apart from that I want EASE with me and everything and everyone. To work with ease, to study with ease, to take exams with ease, to get even healthier with ease, and to earn more money than I need with ease.

Last the one, that drives me, the fuel to my motor ... FREEDOM .. I want to be free. I always wanted to be free. So I want to be free-er this coming year. I want to feel more freedom than ever before. I want to feel free-er than ever before. I want to be free to be more me than ever before.

native creative - xmas me

last life on earth

before I forget it ...

I was just inspired by Adamus/ Crimson Circle to pretend that this is my last life on earth. What would be different? What would I do differently?

LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!                  and                        Enjoy the hell out of it :-)

native creative - jump and fly

•  Honestly, I would be way more spontaneous and shake my boodie when I feel like it or sing aloud on the street - along to the music in my headphones or singing in my head.
• I would wear the purple hat every day I feel like wearing it.
• I wouldn't get kids, 20 years of brood care? not worth it. If I feel in need of kid's time and play, I would just borrow one and the parents would be happy too.
• I wouldn't care about building and establishing something or leaving something behind when I die, what for? I am gone and not coming back!
• I wouldn't care about serving earth or doing something important either.
• I wouldn't care much about repercussions, about tomorrow or the day after. 
• I would do everything that makes me feel alive like speeding down the highway, reading through the night, kissing a stranger. 
• I wouldn't hide in the basement or the shadows. 
• I would grab the lead role on my stage, take out my sword and turn on my light to the max. Everyone who doesn't like it, well, get the hell out - I don't have time to dilly-dally and comfort your fear.
• I would take more risks, take higher risks and just plain go for it. 
• I wouldn't protect my heart as much as I do now. 
• I just wouldn't take is personally, shake it off and move on. No? well, your loss.  
• I wouldn't be the easy and light version of myself, I am a fire dragon, they are meant to be big and powerful and a presense felt when in the room. If you can't deal with a dragon, get lost and get yourself a mouse.
• I would be authentic and unreasonable all the time, hop and skip down my life with 90 still and use the middle finger to collect all my trophies. 

native creative - upside down

• Oh, and I would laugh so very much because I would find everything so funny and hilarious.

I would go easily when the time comes because I would have lived my life fully ... instead of fearing death every day and letting it steal my life every day a little more.

easy

before I forget it ...

as I was out walking my forest round's to summer temperatures in November, I realized that some part of me still believes that there is a reward at the end of struggle/suffering/pushing. I really don't want to do this, but if I do it, I will be better of after. The more resistance we have, the more we dislike it, the bigger the pot of gold waiting at the end of it.
Honestly, we should all be rich, swimming in gold like Scrooge McDuck, for how often we manipulate ourselves into doing stuff we totally dislike!
Might be I am blind because I can't see us swimming in gold. I rather see people struggling, suffering, complaining and disliking what they are doing.

native creative - struggling and suffering

I believe we learn early on that this is the way it is done (here on earth).
Whatever we can do easily, doesn't count. Only what we have to work hard to achieve is a real achievement. A goal we can reach easily isn't even worth talking about. That is not a real achievement.
 
I know things were very easy for me when I was little. As I am trying again to finish my degree right now and struggling with it, I remembered how school was so totally easy for me. I just knew what I had to know. EASY.

native creative - easy smiley

The other thing I connect with easy is lazy. My mother accused me of being lazy because I did not give it enough effort. Now I understand that I went with the flow in ease while she pushed, efforted and struggled. From her perspective easy and lazy might look similar. Apart from that I can see her pot coming closer and it isn't a pot I want. So no reason to travel down the struggling road.

My point is, there can't be a loving reward at the end of struggle. In the worst case we struggle and suffer ourselves to death only to return for more and more ... and more. A road you don't like to walk, a road that doesn't make you feel good walking it, will not bring to you a loving destination.

For me it means returning to my natural state of ease ... If it is easy for me right now, it is good. If it isn't, what awaits me down that road isn't loving and therefore worth it anyway.

prediction for 2015

before I forget it ...

now that seemingly everyone makes some predictions about 2015 right now, I couldn't resist adding my own. I have to say I never predicted much ... apart from some dreams about babies being born that weren't concepted yet.

But I can feel it now ... see it very clearly too.

It's gonna be EPIC!

THE DRAGONS WILL FINALLY WAKE AND EMERGE AGAIN !!!!

fire dragon by unknown author

They have been asleep for so long, but their time has come. NOW .. or soon. 2015 or 20015, doesn't matter much to them, soon is soon.

Dragon power has never been totally wiped from Earth, survived mostly in China and Feng Shui but also in Geomancy. Dragon Power is about Strength, Life force, Integrity and Authenticity as I see it.

Ever dealt with people born in the year of the Dragon much? You'll know, they have an uncorruptable core of beingness. They rather hurt themselves before compromising on who they feel and know they are. They aren't the easiest people to be around :-) but it is refreshing and honest as they just are who they are.

As the Dragon is the biggest and most powerful creature around, there is no need for fear. Who's gonna hurt them anyway? That little creaking and clinking knight waving his toothpick around? For me Dragon power is not about distruction. It is about using my own fire, my life force to create my own world.

Dragons are just so very beautiful with their fire, light and sparkle.

Soooo ready to see if I am right ... until then ... keep breathing fire :-)

Nalini Singh - Shards of Hope

this time I tried to forget it, but I couldn't. Some questions and speculations are running around my head on a continuous loop. I need to get them out NOW.

Nalini Singh - Shards of Hope

• "a chilling conspiracy that spans all three races"

•  "a shadowy enemy has put a target on the back of the Arrow squad"

•  "Aden and Zaira awakening wounded in a darkened cell, their psychic abilities blocked"

Who is this shadowy enemy?
Who is powerful enough to capture and wound the two Arrow leaders?

My Number One Suspect is ...  *drum roll* ... S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E. ... Ming LeBon. He'd have the martial mind and ressources and power to plan and execute a chilling conspiracy spanning all three races and capture, wound and jail Aden and Zaira and block their psychic abilities. On the other hand, why capture and not kill them right away? So either he didn't do it himself but had some of his people do it, or it wasn't that finely planned an operation and more of a haste op with putting them away to finish them off (a little) later. Another reason for Ming is that he surely wont just accept that Kaleb took over the Net and is the de facto leader now.

Suspect Number Two is .... Shoshanna Scott. Where is she and what is she doing? We don't know that much about her or whether she is capable of pulling of such an op, but she isn't just rolling over and accepting Kaleb's leadership either.

Suspect Number Three is .... there one?
As to the rest of the former Psy Council, neither Nikita Duncan, Anthony Kyriakus nor Kaleb Krychek have any real reasons to eliminate the Arrows. They are all on the Ruling Coalition with the Arrows and have some kind of a profitable working relationship with them.
Further I can't see the Human Alliance turning against the Arrows, neither the changelings or the Forgotten.

Why "put a target on the back of the Arrow squad" at all?
Yeah why? Someone has to feel threatened by so many assassins and deadly operatives on the loose. If Mind still wants Vasic, he might theorize that Aden's death would break Vasic and the bond between them and make Vasic open to ... manipulation? reason? corruption? vengeance?
The other viable option is that someone wants to still get to the E's and as the new priority of the Arrow Squad is to protect the E's, that could also have put a target on their back.

"they find themselves in a harsh, inhospitable landscape far from civilization. Their only hope for survival is to make it to the hidden home of a predatory changeling pack that doesn't welcome outsiders."
Where are they? harsh, far from civilization and hidden predators ... It would fit for the Snow Dancer den, hidden deap in the Sierra Nevada, far from civilization. It could as well be anywhere else, but apart from Snow Dancer and Dark River we only now more about the Falcons and their place could be harsh and inhospitable in the heat of summer.
If I consider Judd the den doesn't make that much sense. Also most senior soldiers know about Aden and might know how he looks like from the Anchor Protection Op. Snow Dancer has other dens, so it could be one of those smaller dens.
But why would Ming or Shoshanna have a mysterious prison on Snow Dancer or Dark River land? Wouldn't they have it closer to their home base?
A prison on Snow Dancer land only makes sense if the shadowy enemy wanted Aden and Zaira to escape and get themselves killed-by-changeling to start a Psy/Changeling war.

One last point: "the violent, and the insane, and the irreparably broken…like Zaira"
What kind of ability has Zaira? She is the leader of the Venice Arrows, those outside the Psy Net. She is capable of making independent decisions, that's why she was appointed their leader. ... I recently reread Slave of Sensation and Sascha mentions a Transmutation ability. So far we never again heard of it, but would Transmutation be so violent and insane? Maybe Judd's TK cell ability falls under Transmutation.

For more check: http://nalinisingh.blogspot.co.at/2014/10/cover-love-shards-of-hope.html

Turtle Wisdom: new energy change

before I forget it ...

if you are waiting for something BIG or LOUD or FLASHY or HEROIC to happen to make you believe change is really happening, you'll be disappointed.
The old energy brought change with a BOOM and a BANG, like a war or some spectacular fireworks, resulting on prime time news.
The new energy doesn't make it onto the news. It just doesn't work that way.
This new aera is coming on quiet, near silent feet. If you don't know where to look and what to look and feel for, you'll miss it and only see the same old.
But change is here, it is QUIET and SLOW and FLEXIBLE and EASY. There are lots of little steps, one little change after another little shift.
It reminds me of TURTLE WISDOM: Move slowly and surely along your path. If they try to stop you, retreat into your shell and wait til they loose interest, then move along your path again. There is no hurry.

native creative coloring - part of FLOW Magazine coloring booklet

 
That is another reason why we easily overlook the change taking place, because there is no visible megashift, no BOOM and done. It is slow and stealthy, which makes it harder for us to notice. As well as it is done by lots of people not just one or a few.
This change, this new aera is coming by lots of little quiet shifts done by lots of people. Nothing heroic, nothing flashy, nothing being seen on the news. But the world is changing, slowly and steadily.

So, today I will be patient with myself and take that one little step I can easily make.
I let go of expecting something big and heroic from myself today.
I let go of wanting to heal my body in this instant.
I let go of wanting my world to change to totally loving all of a sudden.
Today I allow myself to move like a turtle, one slow sure step after the other.

new process oriented systems

before I forget it ...

I had a session at GEM http://www.energiemedizin.cc/ in Vienna with my friend Gabriele this week. As always it was on the edge with lots of new stuff coming in. This time it was about systems. All the existing systems on earth are rigid and square built on conformity. The problem is - my problem with that kind of system is - the conformity. It is not voluntary but obligatory. Even obligatory wouldn't be so bad if there were similar beings in that system, but our systems here on earth always include totally different beings inside each of those rigid systems of conformity. The best picture I can come up with is an army of soldiers walking. That kind of conformity. Same rhythm, same foot, same space to the front man and back man, same clothes, SAME EVERYTHING ... same personality, same issues, same dough, same mold, cut with the same cookie cutter.

square "dead" conformity

  

IT HURTS.

The pressure on me hurts, but also the forced dealing with issues that are not mine but belong to someone else in that system hurts. In essense it means, all people in that system can only move or develop together. If one stays, everyone stays. If one gets stuck, everyone gets stuck, until you can get that one stuck person unstuck. That is what square feels like to me. There is no flexibility, no space for movement. There is always this kind of force involved and frustration on my part.

The NEW systems work completely different. There is nothing rigid in them. They are process oriented and flexible. There is freedom for everyone. If I take the picture of the soldiers from before, this time everyone walks in his own speed and rhythm and step length, space to front or back or side person is totally different, everyone wears what they like to wear, NOTHING SAME ... different personality, different issues, different dough, different mold, no cookie cutter to cut but everyone cut into a different shape.  CHAOS ... that's what this system looks like.

flexible "living" chaos

RELIEF IS WHAT I FEEL.

This system supports individuality. It supports integrity, authenticity, diversity and creativity. Furthermore this process oriented system supports self expression and self responsibility. It is just not possible to play victim and give power away to another or the system per se. This system wont tell you who you are and who you have to be. This system does not take into account what was in the past or will be in the future. It is totally and only focussed in the present, in the here and now.

diversity - integrity - self expression

Well, I made my choice. I didn't even have to think about it. The new process oriented flexible system is it for me!

I hope I'll see you there :-)

Nalini Singh - one question

before I forget it ...

if I could ask Nalini Singh one question, what would it be?

There is one thing that I am really curious about.

The Psy/changeling series consists of 13 novels so far, number 14 is being written now, and some novellas too.

How much is strategy and planning ahead and how much is writer's instinct and intuition?

Here is my example:
Kaleb Krychek is the male hero of Heart of Obsidian - book 13.

Nalini Singh - Heart of Obsidian

Kaleb first appears in Visions of Heat - book 2 as Faith's competitor for the Psy Council position. He is mentioned as a young ruthless cardinal who rises through the Council structure very fast and becomes Councilor at the end of book 2. Then he appears throughout all the other books as all Councilors appear throughout all or most books.
Sahara is also mentioned briefly in book 2 in context with Faith's Net dropout and increasing her forecasting prize to set up a fund for those who disappeared like her cousin Sahara.

As both are mentioned first in Visions of Heat I theorize that Nalini had some kind of idea for those two from the beginning. It's just as possible that they both were side characters to further the story and give it enough background with no connection or any other thoughts in mind.

So, that is my question. Does she have a story (past, present, future) in mind for all characters who appear in the books, even minor? Or do they develop their own life throughout the story and develop from minor side character to main character with their own book? Or maybe both, some knowing ahead and some development throughout?

 --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

little happy things

before I forget it ...

as I am sitting here having my breakfast coffee, I thought about the coffee in connection with happy things. So let's talk about happy things while I sip my coffee. Alas, you can get yourself one too (or a tea) while you read about my happy and hopefully think about your own happy :-)

native creative hack - original: flow magazine

hm? happy things or happy times? or just happy?
for this post let's stay with the little things, that make us happy. Like some knicknack that makes us smile just seeing it, or makes us relax just holding it, that kind of things.

 

native creative - yellow poppy seed

• I have no defense against yellow flowers: sunflowers, gerberas, autumn sneezeweeds, daffodils or goldenrods, doesn't matter - bananas don't work though, it has to be yellow petals.
• I am always in a good mood when I am riding my bike. Not that I am always smiling around the face but even when I am not feeling too good, I feel better once I'm on the bike. It's the fresh air, the wind, the movement, the muscles working and energy flowing, or all of it, whatever, it works for me.
• I always relax instantly holding a warm cup of coffee in my hands. yeah :-)
• When Mamalita calls, I have no chance holding on to my funk. 

in "music (sing and dance) mode" mood

• The right kind of music does the same thing, it gets in on silent feet and suddenly I feel like singing along and dancing.
• On more thing on the relaxing side of happy is taking a walk in the little forest around the corner. It always slows me down, eases the tension and hurry, and puts me into a more productive frame of mind.
• Last but not least when an idea of mine worked out and I create something beautiful. Doesn't matter what it is: a candle that turned out great, a picture that captured the moment right, a practical and aesthetic solution for a problem at my apartment, the newest knitted hat or leg warmers. Each beautifully finished project makes me proud and really happy.

native creative - recycled candles

 ready to let this go and get on with happy  ˙·٠•● ƸӜƷ ●•٠·˙

Nalini Singh - Rock Addiction Review

before it is too late ...

I had the chance to read Rock Addiction, the first book in Nalini Singh's new series Rock Kiss a little ahead of time. For my first time ever with Nalini, there was  nothing paranormal in it. The story is set in a totally normal world, this totally human here and now Earth world. Well, as normal as a rockstar's life is normal :-)

To get to the point, Nalini just does not dissappoint. Her stories never let me down.

Rock Addiction a Rock Kiss Novel

 This is a ssssss-story, this is one steamy, sweaty, smoking hot story. Even the main persons, Molly and Fox are sssss. Molly is sweet, seclusive and rather shy at first, while Fox is more along sexy, scaldingly hot and smoldering. Both Molly and Fox are scared and scarred but they just don't stand a chance against a voice sexy as sin and smooth as wiskey -  aaaand lots of sparks - like fireworks sssssparks - like 4th of July fireworks SPARKS, yeah that kind of sparks.

All that is left to say: STOP reading and START ROCKING already.

sssso ssssappy ssssad it's over :-(

But .... Rock Courtship is coming end of September and I can't wait. Are Thea and David choosing a letter too? 

My World War 2 Gratitude contribution

before I forget it ...

I finally figured out what that heaviness is about, that covers my life since last week. Well, more like all the pieces finally fell into place. It's a delicate topic: World War 2.
I believe that loosing the World Wars, loosing all the land is a major wound on the Austrian soul. Going from major player on the world stage to tiny looser of the wars, occupied and forced to cower before the others, is so not good for the self-consciousness.

• Honestly, I am grateful that we lost, because we slide under the radar while all major world players are painting bulls' eyes on their countries for retaliation.

• Furthermore I am grateful that we lost, because Austria became neutral and kept its fingers out of any squirmishes and wars ever since.

I just do not believe war and destruction ever create peace. Yes, I want peace on earth, for myself and for everybody who wants it too. My contribution to that goal and wish and so far still dream is for one welcoming that heavy World War energy in my life now instead of pushing it away and ignoring it. It threads through my whole life if I want it or not. For one, I grew up right next to a (no longer visible) Stalag camp and lived in the shadow of that energy even more than others. I recently met more old people talking about how hard it was too.
The only way to create peace that I know of, is to accept and forgive - and be grateful, because it could have been worse.

• I am really grateful that the World Wars are past and that I only live in the echo and shadow of it. It is still heavy enough. 

• I am also grateful for the World War energies to come up now because it is time for them to get a move on. They are really old old energies, and we need the pure male energies twisted up in it for our way forward. 

• And last but not least I am totally grateful for Hitler because I ,for one, definitely did not want his job.

so ready to forget that already

new potentials - new doors - new rooms

before I forget it ...

this new chapter, it's like a new room I am walking into, moving into actually.

I know someone who sees potentials as floating bubbles, some closer as they are more likely, some smaller, same farther away. It is a system in flux. I see it as rooms and doors. Right now I am in a room with doors, some are open, some are closed. The open doors are the possibilities I can choose from. So I decide on a door and walk through into the next room. This new room has doors as well, some might be the same as in the room before but most propably there are new doors to new rooms and new possibilites. Sometimes we don't like any of the open doors or it seems like there are no open doors. So we wait or we try to open a closed door, we push and fight and get angry. Because we want THAT DOOR!

no exit door :-)

I finally got to believe that if the door isn't open now, it isn't time for that door (for whatever reason I can't see yet). I also decided to believe that I can't choose a wrong door. If the door is open, it is good for me. If a possibility shows up in my life, I can safely choose it - end of story. There are no better or worse rooms, just different rooms, different experiences. As I choose a room, I can always un-choose it. I don't have to stay there if I don't like. Our lives are constantly flowing and changing, a system in flux. Nothing is pre-destined.
This pre-destined believe is still very strong here. That you are born with your fixed faith and that you walk down that road with no real power over that road at all. Furthermore it constantly gets worse the farther you travel down that road. You are born a healthy baby full of energy and then you use up that energy, you get sick and sicker, frail and frailer. It always gets worse. Maybe that is why we rather stay in a bad relationship or frustrating job than move on and take a chance with a new possibility. Maybe that is why so many humans stay on the road they started to walk at birth. Because it can only get worse?

Honestly!
What an empowering thought and what a powerful self-fulfilling prophesy!

I lived with that believe just like everyone else I guess, but I found that it isn't the absolute truth and it just doesn't make me happy. So I decided to get off the main road and create new rooms for me, 'a little bit better' room and another 'little bit better' room and another. Even if you can't see it or think it, there always is a door to a room that is more accommodating you as you are. There always is a room serving you better or a little more loving and supportive that the room you are in right now. It only depends on your decision what you want to believe.

Does it always get worse or does it always get better? 

I already know what I want to choose and believe .. hope I'll see you there.

life review - masculine sexual energy

before I forget it ...

a new chapter of my life starts on Monday so I took the rest of the week of to be with myself. It felt like the right time to once again look at my life and review what I want to take with me into this new chapter and what I want to put down before walking through this door into the new room that lays ahead.

• For one, I will undoubtedly take the gratitude practice with me. I will create lots more great news and great little and big changes with it in the new room.
• Furthermore, I will take the DIYing with me. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is a handcrafted creative expression following an idea of mine. 
• Obviously I will take this blog with me. It is still on experimental feet, so we will see where it goes :-)

So, what will I leave behind? There is one major area right now that holds the most old energy and the biggest need for a thorough cleanse and release.

male energy .. to be more precise: masculine sexual energy

I just realized that I accepted masculine sexual energy in every day communication because it has always been there. I has always been like this:

• being stared at with sexual intent
• being undressed with looks by strangers 
• jokes with sexual content below the belt with strangers in puplic or non intimate situations
• exchange of ambiguous phrases and jokes in non intimate situations. 

The parts, that are transboundary and not loving are:

• the sexual energy coming from a stranger or "friend"
• the sexual energy coming in a puplic or non intimate situation

All of the above examples would mean something totally different if they were done by a lover in an intimate situation.

The thing is, I feel like a medieval castle constantly being stormed by a hostile army set on breaking and entering, conquering my empire, running over my kingdom and then pounding on their chests and showing their muscles and strength and screaming: "me tarzan, you jane!" Honestly, humans are not lions! Even in the animal kingdom the females decide and I am not some price to be stolen and owned. What kind of a relationship starts with a male having broken down  my door and forced himself into my castle? ... yeah, the kind I don't want and the kind I release from my life now.

It is time to take back the power over my life and relations and decide myself which kind of masculine sexual energy I invite into my life - and it sure won't be the loudest, noisiest, or "pushiest". 

so ready to forget that already

The Magic - 28 days of gratitude

before I forget it ...

I am done with the 28 day program of  'The Magic' by Rhonda Byrne. So let's see and take a look at the changes - or - Did anything change at all?

• On the outside world and my living situation: NO - but it will in a week, because I will start a new job. So YES ... I asked for the perfect job for me right here and now and I am starting on Monday.
• In the happy news department: TOTALLY - I've never had so many good news in such a short time frame. There weren't good news every day, but lots of good news on many days with a few first glance bad news turned good news wrapped in ugly wrapping. 
• in the health area: VERY - I had a relatively easy period, was out and about and working even on the first day. When before I was home with pain for up to 4 days, pumped full with pain killers for 1 to 2. I'd say that is an improvement even if I'll have to see how it goes long term.
• in the wealth department: ABSOLUTELY - just got the great news that they have to pay me more because I got years. Years I collected like peanuts with  2 hours per week tutoring jobs at university over all the years.
• about relationships: VISIBLY - the most problematic relation I have responded first and improved noticeably: less tension. simple as that.
• on the emotional level: DEFINITELY - I often feel generally hopeful and positive. I am much more trusting that the current problem will dissolve or the solution show itself shortly and easily. I am more aware of the little surprises and happy moments, the possibility of the moment. I even appreciate my humor more than before - humor can save lives.
• on the mental level: UNQUESTIONABLY - more peace and quiet and less worried thoughts, less problem solving mary go round thoughts.
• overall: UNDOUBTEDLY a good thing, helpful, easy to do and working :-) It suggests a basic practice every day that can be intensified if faster results are wanted. 

I for one will continue the practices that fit me best .. maybe until I get an ABSOLUTELY Y.E.S. answer to every question. Until then ....

sorry, unknown author

why I read what I read

dear self,

my reading choices are being questioned (including my favorite author and how I experience her stories). So here is why I read what I read.

part of my girly library

I  read fantasy, urban fantasy, paranormal romance, romantic thrill, young adult, and rarely "normal" romance - in short I read "women's books"- and hey, if you haven't noticed, I am a woman. I am allowed to do something girly. This is one thing I can do easily and naturally, while I have real trouble with lots of girly habits. So self, let me be girly for once!


I read for entertainment, to get a short vacation from every day life. Why would I choose a vacation in heavy and troublesome? Honestly, I choose something easy, entertaining, funny and lets say unimportant, something I can forget tomorrow.

Some series I've read for years and the characters are totally familiar, my friends and my fictional family and I want to follow them further, see what they are up to, what happens in their world.

native creative - Judd is my boyfriend shirt

I like stories about survivors with happy endings, not because real life has happy endings but because life so often does not give us happy endings. If I read I want something giving me HOPE. I want it to inspire me to take another step. I like stories about people going for their dreams. I like stories about people having lived, having been hurt and then taking risks, trying again.

I don't care about the brain f*** of dead shrivelled up guys already eaten by worms, however important they might have been. It is old, past, over. I am crazy and I can think for myself, I don't need someone else's mental craziness.

Romance novels often include sex scenes, some more some less. It's part of the package, part of the road of getting to know someone. I stopped reading a series because the sex scenes were taking over the story. Also I did not read 50 shades of Greysiness, not interested, no thank you, because ...

I read books that make me feel good.

I watch movies that make me feel good.

I listen to music that makes me feel good.

and I write my truth on my blog because it makes me feel good.

If that makes me mortifyingly girly, I'll put on my big girl pants and forget it already.

Nalini Singh - Rock Addiction

before I forget it ...

I was honestly suspicious of Nalini Singh's newest book. Well, I was suspicious of my own ability to allow another "world" in - allow another "family" in. Yes, I consider Snow Dancer, Dark River and the Arrows family, simple as that. It feels like I've known them for a long time and we've been friends for exactly as long. ...

so ...                  new people?                       a rock star?                                 really?
 
yep really ... and yep, a third into the book I realized I have already made new friends and it feels like I've known them for a while and how could I ever doubt I could not get into this world when Nalini created it! She has this magic ability to open a door into a new world that is easy to cross and makes you feel at home right away. Well, at least I think it is magic.

so ...                   new people.                      a rock star.

cover rock addiction

yep a rock star ... and yep, the same love for her characters and the same integer and authentic characters. A ROCK STAR for christ sake! well, not only one rock star but a whole band of rocking smoking hot 'schoolboy's with a whole lot of life in them and a past like every normal human has.

so ...                  new people!

yep new people ...  new friends and another family! Honestly, you can't have enough family!

before I forget it, exactly that family is waiting for me and it is really bad manners to let family wait in my own world :-)

Why I left

before I forget it ...

someone asked me why I left.

duh .... honestly?

Well, not because of you. If anyone ever gets that title, it would be my mother. Parents tend to have that much power. But she is not the reason I left. It was a nice side benefit, we get along the better the bigger the distance and we both know it.

So why did I leave? Or let me put it that way .. How could anyone NOT LEAVE!

Why would I want to stay in this little place and not want to see the world?
Why would I not want to see if the gras is greener on the other side of the ocean?
Why would I not want to go for the unknown?

falconer and eagle at Stauffner Falknerei

Why honestly would I or any young person want to stay in the tiny place growing up?
Why would any young person not want to spread their wings and fly out into the world?
Because it is safe and known, yeah.

I would know exactly what makes my parents happy and what makes them throw a tantrum.
I would know exactly what my role is in that small community, how to behave and be a good neighbor. I would know exactly what makes my neighbors happy and what makes them throw a tantrum. But would I really know what makes ME HAPPY? Would I really know myself?

So yes I had to leave and I knew it already when I was very very small. I had to get out of there. I had to see for myself. I had to experience and feel and do it.

How would I know what I can do and what I can't if I never went there?
How would I know where my borders are if I've never gone beyond my comfort zone?
How would I know where to settle if I've never gone roaming?

So yes, I had to leave.

I might settle down again at a small rural place of my own choosing when I feel it serves me and it is good for me. But even then it will be on my own terms and not the box that was created for me by other people when I was born.
More likely I will never ever really settle down anywhere, because there are still sooo many places to see and things to experience and people and cultures to meet, I will run out of time and my body growing old and frail before my curiosity and hunger for the unknown will ever be fed.

before I forget it ... Do you really know who you are?

living out L.O.U.D.

before I forget it ...

I just came back from the movies totally excited, with the thought "I want to live big" in my head. This happened every time so far and this was Step Up ALL IN, the fifth part of the Step Up "series". So every time after watching the movie I am totally excited, motivated, exhilerated, feeling good and ready to take on the whole world. I hop down the street singing in my head like a kid.

fooling around kind of fun

But after a few days, every day life takes over and B.I.G. and L.O.U.D. get somehow lost under ... making a living ... and surviving ... working a job to get enough money to survive ... household chores ... body and health issues .... whatever.

One thing is for sure, I don't live big right now, even though some people say I have quite an extraordinary lifestyle and for them my life might be totally unimaginable und crazy. For me however I honestly have to say that I live my life safe, quiet and boring. All my life I had the disconcerting feeling that I don't really live, that I am separated from life. It feels like I am standing beside the sidelines and watch other people living, like the linesman or  a spectator at a soccer game.

For one living out loud means embracing life totally, embracing life as a human on earth totally. Having my head in a book and wanting to be a shape shifter isn't really embracing life as a human on earth.

As a second it means feeling everything, allowing all emotions and feelings and bodily sensations. Being perfect Psy all in the mind and head and thoughts while subdueing feelings does not sound like living out loud to me.

Third I'd say a dream or passion has to be involved in B.I.G. and L.O.U.D, as well as risk. Risk of hurt, bodily or emotionally, and adventures, definitely adventure!

beach kind of adventure

Unfortunately I have some aspects who are really tired ... tired of being human, tired of this routine here on earth, tired of living. They just want to retire and be left alone. They want a quiet, slow, boring life were nothing unexpected happens, no interruptions, no surprises, just peace and quiet - forever.

The soul however is not made for peace and quiet forever. It is hungry for experiences, hungry for life, hungry for more. The soul lives in a forever kind of place and wants to experience itself over and over again anew. The soul can't really be hurt and so it has no need to play it safe. It will never go for living small. 

If I'd have to guess, I'd bet my money on the soul. The real question however, is how to get the tired ones on board with really living again, as they are the limiting factor and defined the game so far. We can no longer leave any aspects behind. On earth it is now: ALL OR NONE.

How loud are you living?

duality versus law of attraction

before I forget it ...

I don't know why and actually it doesn't really matter anyway, but I have been very deeply into the old energy structures, the limitations of life here on earth before the start of the change here on earth. Life on earth meant life in DUALITY, no way around it. The problem with duality is simple. Take a coin as an example, it has two sides, two equal sides, two sides of the same size. The front of the coin can not be bigger or smaller than the back of the coin. Duality is a balance thing, balance between the front and the back of the coin. But it is also balance between the light and the dark. Take Lord of the Rings: They can fight as much as they want, Sauron will always be just as strong/big/present as the "good" side. If you are very happy in a dual system, you will get very bad stuff afterward to balance it. If you shine lots of love and light, you will get lots of hurt and pain to balance it.


The good thing is, we no longer need to live in duality on earth anymore. Now we can choose to be free of duality and live in another system, mostly known as the law of attraction. In this new system the coin has no longer a front and back, now the coin is round: a coin ball. Everything from light, white, grey, blackish, to totally black is possible. You decide what color you want to fill it with. If you focus on good feeling emotions that's what you get. There is no more balancing it with the opposite!! Now we can enhance good things in our life. If you feel good, you will feel better and better and even better. Unfortunately the other way is just as possible. If you focus on worry and lack, that is what you will get more and more of. There is no more balance forced on you. If you want to go all black, that is what you will get. We are now really truely responsible for our lives, true creators, the training wheels are so off :-)

already forgot as I am hammering all my coins into balls :-)

Nalini Singh - story telling

before I forget it ...

Nalini Singh writes paranormal romance or urban fantasy or whatever you want to call it. Why is she my absolute favorite author?

Nalini Singh - Shield of Winter

• Just because!
• But besides that, the world she created in the psy/changeling series is just soooo my world. I just want to live there as I've said before. 
• Apart from that, she writes with so much love for her characters. Every character has a unique personality, a definite character, they are authentic and integer. What they think, feel and do just fits, they are congruent.
• The story moves on in a big arch. Each book tells a bit more of the big story and moves it along. 
• That world has soooo many parallels with earth at this point in time. The whole Psy way like Silence conditioning, mind orientation, money focus and efficiency is also very dominent in our world. The same is true for it not working for humanity on earth any longer either and EMOTION being the way forward. 
• So she delivers knowledge and insights helpful for humanity right now, wrapped in a captivating story set on earth in the future. I read esoteric and spiritual books for a while until they got so dry, I couldn't get them down anymore. They got stuck in my throat because there was not real emotion in it, no water to wash it down.
• She extracts a lot of emotion from her readers, me included. I get excited about the new book, the new hero, the new story a year ahead of it being published! I reread the books over and over because it makes me happy, her characters are my friends and I love to go for a visit.

Did I say a year ahead of publishing, damn ready to forget that!

recycled candles

before I forget it ...

I've been busy this week with Gratitude and applications. BUT I found time in between for some creative stuff. It's a recycle project. All the wax is from old candles, recycled. Even the colors are just what colored wax I had and could use. I had to buy new candlewick, at least for the big candles. For the heart shaped faces I used old stumps from christmas candles :-)

recycled candles - native creative

Clearly I need more candle molds for more variations :-) I started experimenting with layers and I am excited about any new ideas coming up next.

So not ready to forget it.

the magic

before I forget it ...

I made some pain fueled decisions in the last days and that got me getting a never read book of the shelf. It's THE MAGIC from Rhonda Byrne and I will do the 28 days following the book in resetting the mind with gratitude. When I bought it, I couldn't write down what I wanted the magic to do, to bring into my life. As of my previous post, that is not an issue anymore. Now I am running out of paper with all my wants. I am ready to start with the 10 thank you's of the day, even though I should start that tommorow morning. I already know soo many things I am grateful for. I want to start NOW!

forgot already to puplish it :-)

what I really want

before I forget it ...

"You cannot focus upon unwanted and receive wanted." Esther Hicks.

So, well .. no more fishing in the small-fish-pond.

colorful BIG fish :-)

here it comes ... what I REALLY WANT:

• peace on earth, I don't care if some people like Thor or Superman find that boring and loose their profession and reason for being. I WANT PEACE - end of story.
• a hobbit house with garden, a big one with looots of space around it, forests and a river and not too many Hobbitse around. Just me and my house and garden and nature. - and wild animals and spirit animals and air, and looooots of space. - and elfs.  - heaven.
• FREE TIME ALL THE TIME! I get to do whatever I want whenever I want it.
• I create what I enjoy, do what I have fun doing and if someone likes it, I give it to them. Likewise if I see something I like, it is given to me. You pay it forward, not back to the person who has given it. Paying forward creates a big never ending flow. Everybody gives and everybody gets what he needs. easy.
• clearly I also want internet at my hobbit house so I can keep writing my blog :-)
• and loooots of books.
• PLAY all the time. and sleep. and playmates. It's more fun playing together. yeah playmates!! 
• sleeping and resting and breathing and dozing and cosing and day dreaming and laughing! How can I forget laughing! laughing and jokeing and imbing and giggling and ...
• dancing in the rain and dancing in the dark and dancing together around a fire and dancing earthy polka and dancing sexy salsa and dancing coolio streetdance ...
• I forgot the motorbike. I sooo want a motorbike. It's like freedom and the wind and the sound and vibration, and the power!!!  - and cool and awe and more awe.
• shapeshifting I also want that. running through the woods, soaring the winds, and diving and jumping the oceans. Who wants to be stuck in this human form anyway?
• I guess that is actually all that I want - a big natural house, peace, playmates and all the time to fill it with laughter and creations. That's not much really. 

yeah

easy

 

Just an all time VACATION!!!!!

 see ya there self :-)

native creative :-)

before I forget it ...

here are some thing I created lately.

Bluebell aka Illium - native creative

name plate - native creative

wild berry wall color - native creative

heart shaped door knob  - native creative

monkey knot and grandpa hat lamp shade

tooth brush mug - native creative

upcylced planting bags - native creative

punk style new shorts - native creative

some in progress projects:

• flower pedal shaped lamp shade
• mosaic snake on round river stones
• earring display on old potato bag (coffee bag would be nice)
• old ironing board converted into story board
• blackboard 
• couch table made of old thick piece of wood and some legs
• stand up lamp made of a birch branch
• dreamcatcher made into  a tree branch
• ..... 

order of creation not predestined and open to spurs of the moment. :-)

[to be continued]