But this is some overarching issue.
Basically I feel like I am leading a double life.
I pretend to be human. No, that is not the truth. I pretend to be human ONLY.
Obviously I am human. I have a human body, have been born from by a human mother and inhabited this body all my life. I am not a walk in. I have been here from the birth of this body.
But I am not only human. Oh, I feel more human now than I have for a very long time, but I am anything but normally human. Many people call me crazy and I do it even on purpose. Not like Ash (a character from the Guild Hunter series) because I know I will go mad sooner or later. I do it because why the hell not? Why not give myself a little levity? And because this whole human reality is kind of a joke anyway. It is a dream reality and just one of many realities so why take it so totally serious?
Not to say that I don't take all the other realities of my life seriously.
I am a multidimensional being and I live in many dimensions simultaneously. Just like a human does it all the time: smell, hear, watch, feel and taste all at once. Add to that dreams, knowings, perceptions, shamanic travels, inner pictures, and the likes. All of that is just as real to me as the manifested world. Just like all the characters and worlds of my favorite books. For me it is totally normal to go there to visit. It is totally frustrating that I can't! Before I found shamanism I had this overwhelming and maddening desire to shift into animal form and couldn't. I felt so trapped in this weak human body it drove me crazy. Now that I can just go on a shamanic travel and shift, run around the world in whatever form feels good to me, I am more comfortable with my unchangeable human body. It feels unnatural though, that I am not able to truly express all else that I am.
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| native creative: dragon puzzle by Ravensburger |
I just came to the conclusion that it might be safer to not be able to change. As with humanity and aliens, half is fearing them and half is waiting for them to rescue humanity. I might just end up shot or expected to save the world. That answers the double live or coming out of the closet question as well. Confronting humans with realities they are not ready for just increases fear and all variants of it. So I might just have to get used to hiding most of what I really am and pretend to be an ordinary human being. Well, that's what you get for being on the leading edge.
