double life

I haven't written anything for a long time. Everything is happening so fast lately that I have hardly time to breathe or rest. Also topics come and go so fast, before I can write any one down the next has me in its grip.

But this is some overarching issue.

Basically I feel like I am leading a double life.
I pretend to be human. No, that is not the truth. I pretend to be human ONLY.
Obviously I am human. I have a human body, have been born from by a human mother and inhabited this body all my life. I am not a walk in. I have been here from the birth of this body.

But I am not only human. Oh, I feel more human now than I have for a very long time, but I am anything but normally human. Many people call me crazy and I do it even on purpose. Not like Ash (a character from the Guild Hunter series) because I know I will go mad sooner or later. I do it because why the hell not? Why not give myself a little levity? And because this whole human reality is kind of a joke anyway. It is a dream reality and just one of many realities so why take it so totally serious?

Not to say that I don't take all the other realities of my life seriously.
I am a multidimensional being and I live in many dimensions simultaneously. Just like a human does it all the time: smell, hear, watch, feel and taste all at once. Add to that dreams, knowings, perceptions, shamanic travels, inner pictures, and the likes. All of that is just as real to me as the manifested world. Just like all the characters and worlds of my favorite books. For me it is totally normal to go there to visit. It is totally frustrating that I can't! Before I found shamanism I had this overwhelming and maddening desire to shift into animal form and couldn't. I felt so trapped in this weak human body it drove me crazy. Now that I can just go on a shamanic travel and shift, run around the world in whatever form feels good to me, I am more comfortable with my unchangeable human body. It feels unnatural though, that I am not able to truly express all else that I am.

native creative: dragon puzzle by Ravensburger

I just came to the conclusion that it might be safer to not be able to change. As with humanity and aliens, half is fearing them and half is waiting for them to rescue humanity. I might just end up shot or expected to save the world. That answers the double live or coming out of the closet question as well. Confronting humans with realities they are not ready for just increases fear and all variants of it. So I might just have to get used to hiding most of what I really am and pretend to be an ordinary human being. Well, that's what you get for being on the leading edge.

slip-sliding through life

before I forget it ...

I've been thinking about writing blogs, how lately most are about inspirational "stuff" and wise spiritual self-help things that are good for everyone.

I've considered this for a while, turned it around and felt about it.

I came to the conclusion that I don't know anything that is good for everyone. Sometimes I hardly know what is good for me ... and then I make a different decision anyway.

Oh, I can do inspirational and have wise and self-help in buckets. I get really great insights on the occasion ... only to fall into the oldest trap ever again minutes later ... and honestly, I am not the "gracefully sitting in the same old trap"-type. I am still fighting and raging and ignoring it til it hurts bad enough for me to finally (after days of miscomfort) calm down enough to sit down and breathe and take a look at it without resistance.

So I spare you and me the motivational bullshit.

It seems to me that our current "spiritual" leaders give the appearance of their lives going smooth and effortless. While we normal types are struggling to stay upright.

Well, I can honestly tell you I am on a tricky slippery patch of road right now. It's muddy and full of surprises, steep at times, twisting ... and honestly: Have you ever gracefully walked through mud? ..  in high heels with your composure intact? ... all while spitting out motivational encouragements? ... Me neither. .. and honestly, I don't even want to ... walk in high heels, be composed or spit out anything.

still kinda graceful slip sliding through life

This is a slippery dirty part of road and I decided to just have fun and enjoy it. So if you'll hear some giggles, swearing, laughter, humphs and thumps, that's me getting down and dirty with my part of road and having fun doing it. I, for one, am not meant to glide over it like nothing happened.

welcome to my world

before I forget it ...

after I finished the review blog last night, I thought: If I was to create my own world, how would it look like? If I would have the opportunity to create earth right now, how would I do it?

There are really cool things about life on earth, things that make it worth while being here. For one living inside my own creation. Isn't that cool? As I paint the landscape of my life I also simultaneously live inside that landscape. I am the outside the painting "painter" and at the same time inside the painting "explorer". And that exploring and experiencing is not etheric but REAL! That painting is physically manifested and REAL! And changing constantly according to the feedback the explorer gives to the painter. Even the explorer inside the painting is REAL. I have a physically manifested body that lets me experience with all senses.

native creative - diversity

So, obviously I would keep that.

Buuuut .. yeah, you knew that one was coming :-)
But I would open up the limitations drastically. I create my own world as do you, but still our worlds are very similar. I would allow lots of very different worlds to coexist on earth at the same time. Just like we have different plays on every stage that exists on earth right now. They don't have to play the same play either.

What would I play on my stage?
Well, you might think you are in middle earth because I would not have this stereotype human in my world, but lots of different beings like elves, dwarves, angels, humans with wings, shape shifters, ... giants, dragons, fairies, mermaids, ...  blue hair, green skin, webbed feet, whatever, I would do without vampires though :-)

Imagus - elf with dragon

MAGIC yeah, come on and let's PLAY!!!

I would keep the life style: indoor toilet, warm water, heating and pre-hunted food. Also technology: mobile phones, wifi and water fueled cars and flyers, but I'd make it "natural" with less impact on nature. Kind of back to nature and foward into space. And I'd fuse technology with magic and superpowers.

I would allow mental superpowers like telekinesis and telepathy, emotional superpowers like empathy and also spiritual superpowers. I would allow every being to be powerful in whatever way they are. I just love diversity. It would be so much more interesting walking around seeing the surprises coming my way.

And yes, I would allow instant healing and MIRACLES to be a normal occurance. Next to the slow creation earth does I would also allow the way faster energetic manifestation through intent, focus and magic. 

For me, I would just be enjoying myself out there ... running the forests in wolf form, flying the skies in eagle or dragon form, swimming the oceans in dolphin form, walking the roads in human or elf form. I'd be meeting far travelled beings with interesting stories to tell from far far away.

My earth would be a hotspot for space travellers, a hothouse for inspiration and creativity and possibilities, an open and curious place ... with free coffee and cookies for everyone :-)

sam bluebell's coffees

last life on earth

before I forget it ...

I was just inspired by Adamus/ Crimson Circle to pretend that this is my last life on earth. What would be different? What would I do differently?

LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!                  and                        Enjoy the hell out of it :-)

native creative - jump and fly

•  Honestly, I would be way more spontaneous and shake my boodie when I feel like it or sing aloud on the street - along to the music in my headphones or singing in my head.
• I would wear the purple hat every day I feel like wearing it.
• I wouldn't get kids, 20 years of brood care? not worth it. If I feel in need of kid's time and play, I would just borrow one and the parents would be happy too.
• I wouldn't care about building and establishing something or leaving something behind when I die, what for? I am gone and not coming back!
• I wouldn't care about serving earth or doing something important either.
• I wouldn't care much about repercussions, about tomorrow or the day after. 
• I would do everything that makes me feel alive like speeding down the highway, reading through the night, kissing a stranger. 
• I wouldn't hide in the basement or the shadows. 
• I would grab the lead role on my stage, take out my sword and turn on my light to the max. Everyone who doesn't like it, well, get the hell out - I don't have time to dilly-dally and comfort your fear.
• I would take more risks, take higher risks and just plain go for it. 
• I wouldn't protect my heart as much as I do now. 
• I just wouldn't take is personally, shake it off and move on. No? well, your loss.  
• I wouldn't be the easy and light version of myself, I am a fire dragon, they are meant to be big and powerful and a presense felt when in the room. If you can't deal with a dragon, get lost and get yourself a mouse.
• I would be authentic and unreasonable all the time, hop and skip down my life with 90 still and use the middle finger to collect all my trophies. 

native creative - upside down

• Oh, and I would laugh so very much because I would find everything so funny and hilarious.

I would go easily when the time comes because I would have lived my life fully ... instead of fearing death every day and letting it steal my life every day a little more.

new potentials - new doors - new rooms

before I forget it ...

this new chapter, it's like a new room I am walking into, moving into actually.

I know someone who sees potentials as floating bubbles, some closer as they are more likely, some smaller, same farther away. It is a system in flux. I see it as rooms and doors. Right now I am in a room with doors, some are open, some are closed. The open doors are the possibilities I can choose from. So I decide on a door and walk through into the next room. This new room has doors as well, some might be the same as in the room before but most propably there are new doors to new rooms and new possibilites. Sometimes we don't like any of the open doors or it seems like there are no open doors. So we wait or we try to open a closed door, we push and fight and get angry. Because we want THAT DOOR!

no exit door :-)

I finally got to believe that if the door isn't open now, it isn't time for that door (for whatever reason I can't see yet). I also decided to believe that I can't choose a wrong door. If the door is open, it is good for me. If a possibility shows up in my life, I can safely choose it - end of story. There are no better or worse rooms, just different rooms, different experiences. As I choose a room, I can always un-choose it. I don't have to stay there if I don't like. Our lives are constantly flowing and changing, a system in flux. Nothing is pre-destined.
This pre-destined believe is still very strong here. That you are born with your fixed faith and that you walk down that road with no real power over that road at all. Furthermore it constantly gets worse the farther you travel down that road. You are born a healthy baby full of energy and then you use up that energy, you get sick and sicker, frail and frailer. It always gets worse. Maybe that is why we rather stay in a bad relationship or frustrating job than move on and take a chance with a new possibility. Maybe that is why so many humans stay on the road they started to walk at birth. Because it can only get worse?

Honestly!
What an empowering thought and what a powerful self-fulfilling prophesy!

I lived with that believe just like everyone else I guess, but I found that it isn't the absolute truth and it just doesn't make me happy. So I decided to get off the main road and create new rooms for me, 'a little bit better' room and another 'little bit better' room and another. Even if you can't see it or think it, there always is a door to a room that is more accommodating you as you are. There always is a room serving you better or a little more loving and supportive that the room you are in right now. It only depends on your decision what you want to believe.

Does it always get worse or does it always get better? 

I already know what I want to choose and believe .. hope I'll see you there.

Why I left

before I forget it ...

someone asked me why I left.

duh .... honestly?

Well, not because of you. If anyone ever gets that title, it would be my mother. Parents tend to have that much power. But she is not the reason I left. It was a nice side benefit, we get along the better the bigger the distance and we both know it.

So why did I leave? Or let me put it that way .. How could anyone NOT LEAVE!

Why would I want to stay in this little place and not want to see the world?
Why would I not want to see if the gras is greener on the other side of the ocean?
Why would I not want to go for the unknown?

falconer and eagle at Stauffner Falknerei

Why honestly would I or any young person want to stay in the tiny place growing up?
Why would any young person not want to spread their wings and fly out into the world?
Because it is safe and known, yeah.

I would know exactly what makes my parents happy and what makes them throw a tantrum.
I would know exactly what my role is in that small community, how to behave and be a good neighbor. I would know exactly what makes my neighbors happy and what makes them throw a tantrum. But would I really know what makes ME HAPPY? Would I really know myself?

So yes I had to leave and I knew it already when I was very very small. I had to get out of there. I had to see for myself. I had to experience and feel and do it.

How would I know what I can do and what I can't if I never went there?
How would I know where my borders are if I've never gone beyond my comfort zone?
How would I know where to settle if I've never gone roaming?

So yes, I had to leave.

I might settle down again at a small rural place of my own choosing when I feel it serves me and it is good for me. But even then it will be on my own terms and not the box that was created for me by other people when I was born.
More likely I will never ever really settle down anywhere, because there are still sooo many places to see and things to experience and people and cultures to meet, I will run out of time and my body growing old and frail before my curiosity and hunger for the unknown will ever be fed.

before I forget it ... Do you really know who you are?

living out L.O.U.D.

before I forget it ...

I just came back from the movies totally excited, with the thought "I want to live big" in my head. This happened every time so far and this was Step Up ALL IN, the fifth part of the Step Up "series". So every time after watching the movie I am totally excited, motivated, exhilerated, feeling good and ready to take on the whole world. I hop down the street singing in my head like a kid.

fooling around kind of fun

But after a few days, every day life takes over and B.I.G. and L.O.U.D. get somehow lost under ... making a living ... and surviving ... working a job to get enough money to survive ... household chores ... body and health issues .... whatever.

One thing is for sure, I don't live big right now, even though some people say I have quite an extraordinary lifestyle and for them my life might be totally unimaginable und crazy. For me however I honestly have to say that I live my life safe, quiet and boring. All my life I had the disconcerting feeling that I don't really live, that I am separated from life. It feels like I am standing beside the sidelines and watch other people living, like the linesman or  a spectator at a soccer game.

For one living out loud means embracing life totally, embracing life as a human on earth totally. Having my head in a book and wanting to be a shape shifter isn't really embracing life as a human on earth.

As a second it means feeling everything, allowing all emotions and feelings and bodily sensations. Being perfect Psy all in the mind and head and thoughts while subdueing feelings does not sound like living out loud to me.

Third I'd say a dream or passion has to be involved in B.I.G. and L.O.U.D, as well as risk. Risk of hurt, bodily or emotionally, and adventures, definitely adventure!

beach kind of adventure

Unfortunately I have some aspects who are really tired ... tired of being human, tired of this routine here on earth, tired of living. They just want to retire and be left alone. They want a quiet, slow, boring life were nothing unexpected happens, no interruptions, no surprises, just peace and quiet - forever.

The soul however is not made for peace and quiet forever. It is hungry for experiences, hungry for life, hungry for more. The soul lives in a forever kind of place and wants to experience itself over and over again anew. The soul can't really be hurt and so it has no need to play it safe. It will never go for living small. 

If I'd have to guess, I'd bet my money on the soul. The real question however, is how to get the tired ones on board with really living again, as they are the limiting factor and defined the game so far. We can no longer leave any aspects behind. On earth it is now: ALL OR NONE.

How loud are you living?