My World War 2 Gratitude contribution

before I forget it ...

I finally figured out what that heaviness is about, that covers my life since last week. Well, more like all the pieces finally fell into place. It's a delicate topic: World War 2.
I believe that loosing the World Wars, loosing all the land is a major wound on the Austrian soul. Going from major player on the world stage to tiny looser of the wars, occupied and forced to cower before the others, is so not good for the self-consciousness.

• Honestly, I am grateful that we lost, because we slide under the radar while all major world players are painting bulls' eyes on their countries for retaliation.

• Furthermore I am grateful that we lost, because Austria became neutral and kept its fingers out of any squirmishes and wars ever since.

I just do not believe war and destruction ever create peace. Yes, I want peace on earth, for myself and for everybody who wants it too. My contribution to that goal and wish and so far still dream is for one welcoming that heavy World War energy in my life now instead of pushing it away and ignoring it. It threads through my whole life if I want it or not. For one, I grew up right next to a (no longer visible) Stalag camp and lived in the shadow of that energy even more than others. I recently met more old people talking about how hard it was too.
The only way to create peace that I know of, is to accept and forgive - and be grateful, because it could have been worse.

• I am really grateful that the World Wars are past and that I only live in the echo and shadow of it. It is still heavy enough. 

• I am also grateful for the World War energies to come up now because it is time for them to get a move on. They are really old old energies, and we need the pure male energies twisted up in it for our way forward. 

• And last but not least I am totally grateful for Hitler because I ,for one, definitely did not want his job.

so ready to forget that already

new potentials - new doors - new rooms

before I forget it ...

this new chapter, it's like a new room I am walking into, moving into actually.

I know someone who sees potentials as floating bubbles, some closer as they are more likely, some smaller, same farther away. It is a system in flux. I see it as rooms and doors. Right now I am in a room with doors, some are open, some are closed. The open doors are the possibilities I can choose from. So I decide on a door and walk through into the next room. This new room has doors as well, some might be the same as in the room before but most propably there are new doors to new rooms and new possibilites. Sometimes we don't like any of the open doors or it seems like there are no open doors. So we wait or we try to open a closed door, we push and fight and get angry. Because we want THAT DOOR!

no exit door :-)

I finally got to believe that if the door isn't open now, it isn't time for that door (for whatever reason I can't see yet). I also decided to believe that I can't choose a wrong door. If the door is open, it is good for me. If a possibility shows up in my life, I can safely choose it - end of story. There are no better or worse rooms, just different rooms, different experiences. As I choose a room, I can always un-choose it. I don't have to stay there if I don't like. Our lives are constantly flowing and changing, a system in flux. Nothing is pre-destined.
This pre-destined believe is still very strong here. That you are born with your fixed faith and that you walk down that road with no real power over that road at all. Furthermore it constantly gets worse the farther you travel down that road. You are born a healthy baby full of energy and then you use up that energy, you get sick and sicker, frail and frailer. It always gets worse. Maybe that is why we rather stay in a bad relationship or frustrating job than move on and take a chance with a new possibility. Maybe that is why so many humans stay on the road they started to walk at birth. Because it can only get worse?

Honestly!
What an empowering thought and what a powerful self-fulfilling prophesy!

I lived with that believe just like everyone else I guess, but I found that it isn't the absolute truth and it just doesn't make me happy. So I decided to get off the main road and create new rooms for me, 'a little bit better' room and another 'little bit better' room and another. Even if you can't see it or think it, there always is a door to a room that is more accommodating you as you are. There always is a room serving you better or a little more loving and supportive that the room you are in right now. It only depends on your decision what you want to believe.

Does it always get worse or does it always get better? 

I already know what I want to choose and believe .. hope I'll see you there.

life review - masculine sexual energy

before I forget it ...

a new chapter of my life starts on Monday so I took the rest of the week of to be with myself. It felt like the right time to once again look at my life and review what I want to take with me into this new chapter and what I want to put down before walking through this door into the new room that lays ahead.

• For one, I will undoubtedly take the gratitude practice with me. I will create lots more great news and great little and big changes with it in the new room.
• Furthermore, I will take the DIYing with me. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is a handcrafted creative expression following an idea of mine. 
• Obviously I will take this blog with me. It is still on experimental feet, so we will see where it goes :-)

So, what will I leave behind? There is one major area right now that holds the most old energy and the biggest need for a thorough cleanse and release.

male energy .. to be more precise: masculine sexual energy

I just realized that I accepted masculine sexual energy in every day communication because it has always been there. I has always been like this:

• being stared at with sexual intent
• being undressed with looks by strangers 
• jokes with sexual content below the belt with strangers in puplic or non intimate situations
• exchange of ambiguous phrases and jokes in non intimate situations. 

The parts, that are transboundary and not loving are:

• the sexual energy coming from a stranger or "friend"
• the sexual energy coming in a puplic or non intimate situation

All of the above examples would mean something totally different if they were done by a lover in an intimate situation.

The thing is, I feel like a medieval castle constantly being stormed by a hostile army set on breaking and entering, conquering my empire, running over my kingdom and then pounding on their chests and showing their muscles and strength and screaming: "me tarzan, you jane!" Honestly, humans are not lions! Even in the animal kingdom the females decide and I am not some price to be stolen and owned. What kind of a relationship starts with a male having broken down  my door and forced himself into my castle? ... yeah, the kind I don't want and the kind I release from my life now.

It is time to take back the power over my life and relations and decide myself which kind of masculine sexual energy I invite into my life - and it sure won't be the loudest, noisiest, or "pushiest". 

so ready to forget that already

The Magic - 28 days of gratitude

before I forget it ...

I am done with the 28 day program of  'The Magic' by Rhonda Byrne. So let's see and take a look at the changes - or - Did anything change at all?

• On the outside world and my living situation: NO - but it will in a week, because I will start a new job. So YES ... I asked for the perfect job for me right here and now and I am starting on Monday.
• In the happy news department: TOTALLY - I've never had so many good news in such a short time frame. There weren't good news every day, but lots of good news on many days with a few first glance bad news turned good news wrapped in ugly wrapping. 
• in the health area: VERY - I had a relatively easy period, was out and about and working even on the first day. When before I was home with pain for up to 4 days, pumped full with pain killers for 1 to 2. I'd say that is an improvement even if I'll have to see how it goes long term.
• in the wealth department: ABSOLUTELY - just got the great news that they have to pay me more because I got years. Years I collected like peanuts with  2 hours per week tutoring jobs at university over all the years.
• about relationships: VISIBLY - the most problematic relation I have responded first and improved noticeably: less tension. simple as that.
• on the emotional level: DEFINITELY - I often feel generally hopeful and positive. I am much more trusting that the current problem will dissolve or the solution show itself shortly and easily. I am more aware of the little surprises and happy moments, the possibility of the moment. I even appreciate my humor more than before - humor can save lives.
• on the mental level: UNQUESTIONABLY - more peace and quiet and less worried thoughts, less problem solving mary go round thoughts.
• overall: UNDOUBTEDLY a good thing, helpful, easy to do and working :-) It suggests a basic practice every day that can be intensified if faster results are wanted. 

I for one will continue the practices that fit me best .. maybe until I get an ABSOLUTELY Y.E.S. answer to every question. Until then ....

sorry, unknown author

why I read what I read

dear self,

my reading choices are being questioned (including my favorite author and how I experience her stories). So here is why I read what I read.

part of my girly library

I  read fantasy, urban fantasy, paranormal romance, romantic thrill, young adult, and rarely "normal" romance - in short I read "women's books"- and hey, if you haven't noticed, I am a woman. I am allowed to do something girly. This is one thing I can do easily and naturally, while I have real trouble with lots of girly habits. So self, let me be girly for once!


I read for entertainment, to get a short vacation from every day life. Why would I choose a vacation in heavy and troublesome? Honestly, I choose something easy, entertaining, funny and lets say unimportant, something I can forget tomorrow.

Some series I've read for years and the characters are totally familiar, my friends and my fictional family and I want to follow them further, see what they are up to, what happens in their world.

native creative - Judd is my boyfriend shirt

I like stories about survivors with happy endings, not because real life has happy endings but because life so often does not give us happy endings. If I read I want something giving me HOPE. I want it to inspire me to take another step. I like stories about people going for their dreams. I like stories about people having lived, having been hurt and then taking risks, trying again.

I don't care about the brain f*** of dead shrivelled up guys already eaten by worms, however important they might have been. It is old, past, over. I am crazy and I can think for myself, I don't need someone else's mental craziness.

Romance novels often include sex scenes, some more some less. It's part of the package, part of the road of getting to know someone. I stopped reading a series because the sex scenes were taking over the story. Also I did not read 50 shades of Greysiness, not interested, no thank you, because ...

I read books that make me feel good.

I watch movies that make me feel good.

I listen to music that makes me feel good.

and I write my truth on my blog because it makes me feel good.

If that makes me mortifyingly girly, I'll put on my big girl pants and forget it already.

Nalini Singh - Rock Addiction

before I forget it ...

I was honestly suspicious of Nalini Singh's newest book. Well, I was suspicious of my own ability to allow another "world" in - allow another "family" in. Yes, I consider Snow Dancer, Dark River and the Arrows family, simple as that. It feels like I've known them for a long time and we've been friends for exactly as long. ...

so ...                  new people?                       a rock star?                                 really?
 
yep really ... and yep, a third into the book I realized I have already made new friends and it feels like I've known them for a while and how could I ever doubt I could not get into this world when Nalini created it! She has this magic ability to open a door into a new world that is easy to cross and makes you feel at home right away. Well, at least I think it is magic.

so ...                   new people.                      a rock star.

cover rock addiction

yep a rock star ... and yep, the same love for her characters and the same integer and authentic characters. A ROCK STAR for christ sake! well, not only one rock star but a whole band of rocking smoking hot 'schoolboy's with a whole lot of life in them and a past like every normal human has.

so ...                  new people!

yep new people ...  new friends and another family! Honestly, you can't have enough family!

before I forget it, exactly that family is waiting for me and it is really bad manners to let family wait in my own world :-)

Why I left

before I forget it ...

someone asked me why I left.

duh .... honestly?

Well, not because of you. If anyone ever gets that title, it would be my mother. Parents tend to have that much power. But she is not the reason I left. It was a nice side benefit, we get along the better the bigger the distance and we both know it.

So why did I leave? Or let me put it that way .. How could anyone NOT LEAVE!

Why would I want to stay in this little place and not want to see the world?
Why would I not want to see if the gras is greener on the other side of the ocean?
Why would I not want to go for the unknown?

falconer and eagle at Stauffner Falknerei

Why honestly would I or any young person want to stay in the tiny place growing up?
Why would any young person not want to spread their wings and fly out into the world?
Because it is safe and known, yeah.

I would know exactly what makes my parents happy and what makes them throw a tantrum.
I would know exactly what my role is in that small community, how to behave and be a good neighbor. I would know exactly what makes my neighbors happy and what makes them throw a tantrum. But would I really know what makes ME HAPPY? Would I really know myself?

So yes I had to leave and I knew it already when I was very very small. I had to get out of there. I had to see for myself. I had to experience and feel and do it.

How would I know what I can do and what I can't if I never went there?
How would I know where my borders are if I've never gone beyond my comfort zone?
How would I know where to settle if I've never gone roaming?

So yes, I had to leave.

I might settle down again at a small rural place of my own choosing when I feel it serves me and it is good for me. But even then it will be on my own terms and not the box that was created for me by other people when I was born.
More likely I will never ever really settle down anywhere, because there are still sooo many places to see and things to experience and people and cultures to meet, I will run out of time and my body growing old and frail before my curiosity and hunger for the unknown will ever be fed.

before I forget it ... Do you really know who you are?

living out L.O.U.D.

before I forget it ...

I just came back from the movies totally excited, with the thought "I want to live big" in my head. This happened every time so far and this was Step Up ALL IN, the fifth part of the Step Up "series". So every time after watching the movie I am totally excited, motivated, exhilerated, feeling good and ready to take on the whole world. I hop down the street singing in my head like a kid.

fooling around kind of fun

But after a few days, every day life takes over and B.I.G. and L.O.U.D. get somehow lost under ... making a living ... and surviving ... working a job to get enough money to survive ... household chores ... body and health issues .... whatever.

One thing is for sure, I don't live big right now, even though some people say I have quite an extraordinary lifestyle and for them my life might be totally unimaginable und crazy. For me however I honestly have to say that I live my life safe, quiet and boring. All my life I had the disconcerting feeling that I don't really live, that I am separated from life. It feels like I am standing beside the sidelines and watch other people living, like the linesman or  a spectator at a soccer game.

For one living out loud means embracing life totally, embracing life as a human on earth totally. Having my head in a book and wanting to be a shape shifter isn't really embracing life as a human on earth.

As a second it means feeling everything, allowing all emotions and feelings and bodily sensations. Being perfect Psy all in the mind and head and thoughts while subdueing feelings does not sound like living out loud to me.

Third I'd say a dream or passion has to be involved in B.I.G. and L.O.U.D, as well as risk. Risk of hurt, bodily or emotionally, and adventures, definitely adventure!

beach kind of adventure

Unfortunately I have some aspects who are really tired ... tired of being human, tired of this routine here on earth, tired of living. They just want to retire and be left alone. They want a quiet, slow, boring life were nothing unexpected happens, no interruptions, no surprises, just peace and quiet - forever.

The soul however is not made for peace and quiet forever. It is hungry for experiences, hungry for life, hungry for more. The soul lives in a forever kind of place and wants to experience itself over and over again anew. The soul can't really be hurt and so it has no need to play it safe. It will never go for living small. 

If I'd have to guess, I'd bet my money on the soul. The real question however, is how to get the tired ones on board with really living again, as they are the limiting factor and defined the game so far. We can no longer leave any aspects behind. On earth it is now: ALL OR NONE.

How loud are you living?

duality versus law of attraction

before I forget it ...

I don't know why and actually it doesn't really matter anyway, but I have been very deeply into the old energy structures, the limitations of life here on earth before the start of the change here on earth. Life on earth meant life in DUALITY, no way around it. The problem with duality is simple. Take a coin as an example, it has two sides, two equal sides, two sides of the same size. The front of the coin can not be bigger or smaller than the back of the coin. Duality is a balance thing, balance between the front and the back of the coin. But it is also balance between the light and the dark. Take Lord of the Rings: They can fight as much as they want, Sauron will always be just as strong/big/present as the "good" side. If you are very happy in a dual system, you will get very bad stuff afterward to balance it. If you shine lots of love and light, you will get lots of hurt and pain to balance it.


The good thing is, we no longer need to live in duality on earth anymore. Now we can choose to be free of duality and live in another system, mostly known as the law of attraction. In this new system the coin has no longer a front and back, now the coin is round: a coin ball. Everything from light, white, grey, blackish, to totally black is possible. You decide what color you want to fill it with. If you focus on good feeling emotions that's what you get. There is no more balancing it with the opposite!! Now we can enhance good things in our life. If you feel good, you will feel better and better and even better. Unfortunately the other way is just as possible. If you focus on worry and lack, that is what you will get more and more of. There is no more balance forced on you. If you want to go all black, that is what you will get. We are now really truely responsible for our lives, true creators, the training wheels are so off :-)

already forgot as I am hammering all my coins into balls :-)