filling emptiness

before I forget it ...

humans constantly fill their emptiness.

• with work. workoholics has nothing to do with surviving, earning enough money to enjoy life.
• with kids. It's a respected way of filling the void inside and kids fill it with happiness and joy.
• with a partner. no words needed.
• with addictions, illnesses, whatever gets attention and care.
• with hobbies. 
• with drama. and the neighbors always offer something to complain and talk about ;-)
• with emotion. nothing fills emptiness better than anger. 
• with internet!!! 
• with shopping.
• ......

Life keeps us so busy that most of us never get the chance to feel the emptiness that drives us to constant action. On the other hand we also create emptiness on purpose consciously to protect us from hurt. If someone close to you dies, it rips out part of your heart. When Sirius Black died, Harry Potter's godfather I was devastated for days. My devastation was in no relation to the source. It was heart destroying, world collapsing, universe imploding,  and soul shredding. I realized I had experienced loss, debilitating loss and it was still there, raw, fresh, an open bleeding wound. I protected myself most of my life by not creating bonds with others. I always kept myself distant. Oh, I can laugh and make jokes, I interact, I have friends but I never really let anyone in.  Not the soul shredding way in. I protect myself from pain and therefore keep my heart "empty". It's not conscious, it's just there, instinct by now.

I believe the difference between filling the emptiness and the real deal is pain. To fill the emptiness inside us we choose things that don't hurt us when loosing them. It doesn't really matter if they are here or not, for example people we don't really care about but keep us busy. The real deal always comes with a chance of pain, people we care about can hurt us.

Which brings me to the most probable reason for the emptiness in the first place: SELF-PROTECTION.

It comes in waves, the realization that life flows by me and that I am not alive.The need to feel alive, to experience everything life on earth has to offer crashes with the deep instincts to protect myself from harm, from hurt. I am very aware right now when and how I fill my emptiness. Mostly I read, right now Nalini Singh's psy/changeling series. That world has so many parallels it's scary. But I also sleep more than nessessary. 

before I forget it, it's ok to fill the emptiness, to protect myself. It is ok. Nothing wrong about it.
All is allowed to be here.