emptiness

before I forget it ...

currently I am ... grrr ... stuck. I feel stuck and yeah.
There is this topic that I can't solve/handle/deal with/transform/.......
It it totally familiar and has been part of me and my life for a very long time.
I don't want to say forever because it is not a natural soul state, but I believe most humans do have it. I believe almost every human has a part of his life that is empty, some more, some less.

Linde found a soul aspect of mine at the soul retrieval, a kid that is empty. So I had that part for a long time. But also I willingly emptied my life. Imagine a garden, I ripped out every flower, every plant, everything til the bare ground was there with nothing on it. I ripped out all my likes and passions and threw them away. I was searching for god, for myself, for my essence - for who I really am. I created a desert. I created death. It sound horrible doesn't it. But that is the way of science. They kill the living being to search for life in the dead cells, to understand life through death. But life has gone, spirit has gone. All that is left is matter.

The desert under night sky filled with stars is my picture for the most masculine energy, the cosmic. It's freedom to me, beautiful and sooo peaceful - an endless view in all directions - heaven.

desert egypt

Furthermore I did clean my life of energies of others. I got kind of obsessed with it. I wanted to be the ONLY POWER in my life. I wanted to be the only creator in my universe. Well, I still want to, but I am kind of starting to see that I will need some kind of co-creation if I don't want to be  a hermit, totally alone on an island in the middle of nowhere.

I just remembered a vision I had! I was near a deserted house in a desert. The house had been abandoned, it was dusty but the structure of the house was good, stable, totally ok. In that vision I wanted to play so I created a tree and a swing on it. I did not understand the vision, it was meant to tell me my life's purpose. :-)
Well, it is very simple actually. There were no neighbors, no other people, .. it was vacant, empty,  waiting for me to come back and LIVE. It's like a white canvas ready to be painted. I really just have to fill my life with live.

It sounds easy when I know how it feels to fall into that emptiness, numbness and vacuum where nothing can reach me. I might hold on to it also, as it was my safety as a kid. I hid in that emptiness when things got to hard for me and imagined myself into a colorful place where I had the power to create my own life.

forget or not forget?