mourning project

before I forget it ...

in the flow of the soul retrieval I realised that I wasn't just sick at age 6 with a virus, it really changed me, a lot. I DIED. My body obviously survived and some soul aspects stayed too. I asked myself what I lost. EVERYTHING. MYSELF. my present. my future. my love. my light. my being. ME. It totally fits with the aspect my friend met at the soul retrieval: a hollow empty shell child playing at a riverbank. It looks ok from the outside, but it is empty. It has no life. It's more an object, a thing like a wardrobe. It has no desires, no needs, no feelings, no emotions, NO NOTHING! It is obviously safe from being hurt as it can't feel anything! AND it is the perfect kid for busy care takers because it is low-maintenance. It plays by itself forever, doesn't need any attention, any care. It's almost invisible so easy and light, more like a ghost, but surely no burden.

So I decided to actually mourn the loss of myself. Mamalita told me about a project Clarissa Pinkola Estés who wrote "Women Who Run With the Wolves" did with a group of women: sewing patchwork dresses as a ritual of mourning. I don't like sewing, but I can knit and crochet. I decided to do it as a "one granny square a day" project. I haven't crocheted for a while, so those are the getting into it and warming up results of the first two days.

2. day and 1.day results mourning project

I also made a little "grave" for my little girl on the balkony yesterday. I just took a terracotta pot, filled it with earth and decorated it with pine cones, sticks, heart shaped stones and sea shells. I'm lighting a candle now.

eager to forget it ...